by Mary Louise Morris, Mindfulness coach

If you are a parent you will know how your job description has expanded dramatically in the last few months. Overnight you’ve become a teacher, therapist, carer, caterer/cake maker and entertainer. You may have been simultaneously working from home, been furloughed or been made redundant. You may have been trying to support relatives and friends, often remotely. For many of us, there have been huge worries and uncertainty around health, jobs, money and the future. 

It is little wonder then that you may have noticed yourself or your children experiencing mood swings, panic attacks, regressive behaviour, anger, lack of motivation, disappointment and frustration. After all, many of the usual support structures have been pulled away, resulting in the loss of structure of school (and the postponement of exams), and the cancellation of holidays and end-of-year celebrations.

So, as we emerge exhausted from lockdown it would be understandable if the prospect of another eight weeks of summer holidays doesn’t quite have you jumping for joy. 

We have all been through an emotional spin cycle and feel our emotional reserves have already been drained. We have all spent much more time together than usual. It’s not surprising then that tempers are shorter and family flashpoints can occur more frequently than usual. I call these Red Moments.

However, having an emotional toolkit which you can carry with you throughout the long summer break might help you face family flashpoints in a way which leads to fewer fallouts.

Here are some simple strategies you can use during these Red Moments to reduce the emotional heat from the situations, thus diffusing them more quickly.

1.     Lower your expectations of yourself and each other. You are already dealing with a lot. Getting by functionally and emotionally is good enough in this situation.

2.     Talk about emotions especially the difficult ones. Ask yourself, how do I feel? See if you can label the feeling (this is a strategy known as ‘name it to tame it’). Make space in the family to acknowledge and normalise all emotions, without blame or shame. With children this can be done through storytelling. I like The Unworry Book by Usborne or Hey Warrior by Karen Young.

3. Self-care for parents. Parents need to put their own oxygen mask on before helping their children. Starting with the basics like sleep, exercise and good food (not too much alcohol) and them moving on to self-appreciation. I really like @mombrain 

4 .Move your body, any kind of movement, yoga, dance, even jumping around is a good way to release stress hormones from the body and activate feel-good hormones. 

5. Pause and feel your feet on the ground. If you are triggered by a family member, simply pause, breathe and feel your feet. The feet are the furthest thing away from your flaming red face and feelings of stress. Pausing also helps give the wise part of the brain time to kick in with a response (not a reaction) before you do or say something that you might regret. 

6. Take a break - if the Reds are very intense and overwhelming, taking a break and physically removing yourself from the scene can be a wise response. This could mean locking yourself in the loo for a while to give the fire time to die down (while imagining yourself to be somewhere very far away, like a desert island!) When you get really skilful, you will take a break before you need one. 

7.     Be kind to yourself - or to whoever is upset. These are demanding times so it’s normal to get upset, fearful, overwhelmed, angry and stressed. In difficult moments putting your hand on your heart area can feel very soothing and will trigger oxytocin (the cuddle hormone). Speak kindly to yourself or to your feelings. You can also model how to do this for your children. This is called ‘befriending’. 

8.     Rupture and repair - none of us are perfect. So, if you do lose it with your children or your spouse - don’t despair. When we lose it, we are often flooded with feelings of failure, shame and disappointment with ourselves. So, the first step is to be kind to yourself – see Step 7! Then, owning up to your part in the rupture and apologising for it, can help to repair the relationship. When dealt with like this, family flashpoints can offer the opportunity, not to fracture family bonds, but to strengthen them.

9.    Practice generosity - if someone gets upset with you, before you yell back at them, take a deep breath and try this golden sentence instead: “I’m sorry you feel bad, is there anything I can do or say to make you feel better?” 

10.    Permission to rest.  Parents are being flooded with creative and academic things to do with your child during lockdown and holidays. Remember that rest maybe just as important as all these activities during this time of uncertainty. Rest will help you remain positive and resource you to keep calm and carry on. 

(Front page pic of chilli peppers by Fabienne Hubener. Unsplash)

Mary Lou Morris is a Mindfulness teacher and mentor working with children, teens and adults. For the past 5 years she has been training 11-18 year olds in Mindfulness in schools, and working privately with children supporting them with a range of issues from exam stress, social anxiety, self confidence and digital distraction. She is an accredited teacher of the Mindfulness in Schools Programme, and is currently developing an emotional learning programme for families called What Colour Is Your Dragon see: www.whatcolourisyourdragon.com.  Website: www.goodtobe.co.uk

Mary Louise is a member of the  House of Talents , a community of established actors, performers, writers, musicians, mindfulness coaches and meditation teachers offering online creative courses. All of our coaches and teachers are top of their field, with years of experience. The classes include meditation, mindfulness, kundalini yoga and Reiki, as well as creative writing, physical theatre, clowning and dance coaching. 10% of what we earn is donated to charity.

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