I’m sitting on the warm grass in West London’s Wormwood Scrubs, having an impromptu SEO Masterclass from my friend Welsh Sue, who once did some SEO for a removal van company in Tooting. She’s already had to explain exactly what Search Engine Optimisation means. Apparently, it’s about getting the Google algorithms to notice your website by using lots of keywords.

Me: (a bit cross) ‘So, on top of everything else, I have to write one blog every day, minimum 300 words, mentioning all those f…… keywords, but making it engaging and entertaining, despite being stuffed with phrases like: ‘online creative courses.’

Sue: ‘Yep.’

‘Right.’ I am really trying to find the fun in SEO, because I know it’s important if I want the House of Talents new website to climb Google’s glittery golden ranking ladder.

‘And you must have good pictures in every blog,’ says Sue. ‘Obviously, you won’t be taking those.’

Sue knows what I know - that I am the world’s shoddiest photographer so I am hoping that some of the hosts on the website are handy with a camera. For starters, there’s Paola, our in-house cook, who’s pretty nifty with a Nikon. Her family owned the renowned Cimmino’s pasticceria in Naples and she’s giving online Neapolitan cookery classes. Immediately, I’ve swerved off the subject of snaps for the blog and am fantasising about her Delizie al Limone that she made last week.

‘The blog also needs a good headline, short paragraphs, bullet points, internal links …’ Sue is rattling off a list of blog must-haves, but now I’m watching a police car slowly circling the Scrubs, presumably making sure people aren’t sitting down for too long, taking SEO Masterclasses.

The police car is heading my way, and the driver is staring straight at me.

‘Sue, I say, can we finish this later?’ I hang up as the car stops about 4 metres in front of me and the policewoman steps out. She tells me that the park is only for exercising. 

‘Tell me about it,’ I say, rolling my eyes. ‘I’ve just done so many star jumps that I collapsed.’ The policewoman smiles indulgently. Presumably she’s heard every excuse in the book by now.

Once home, I Google Blogs and How to Write them and I get this:

7 Proven Tips to Create Blog Posts That Convert Like Crazy.

It pretty much says what Sue told me, only in an American accent. As I read it, I wonder how I can possibly make SEO for the new website mutually enjoyable and fun instead of just time-consuming and annoying. And then I remember the day, just one week ago, that my Royal Ballet dancer friend Sarah handed me the picture of the little blue house that she’d drawn as the website logo, while we stood 2 metres apart on the canal outside Sainsbury’s on Ladbroke Grove, and all the excitement and joy for this new project swells up again. 

The House of Talents is a new community of professional artists, writers, actors, musicians, performers, mental health coaches, who are offering genuinely affordable online creative courses for adults and children. Classes include portrait painting, performing, creative writing, public speaking, self-publishing, meditation, mindfulness, nutrition and more. 10% of what we earn goes to charity.

So if you fancy any of the above courses, or you need a publisher to coach you through the final stages of your novel, or you’d simply like to be sung to by one of our in-house jazz, opera or acoustic singers while you have supper, we look forward to seeing you in the House.